Monday, January 17, 2011

Emails from 2010

Now that the year 2010 is over, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that BillGates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena will grant my every wish .

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

AND LASTLY, I keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician ..

Happy 2011


CaraBee said...

Ha! Those emails kill me. These days, if I see an obvious forward I don't even bother reading. It is ALWAYS bunk. No thanks. They are good for a laugh sometimes, though.

The Nice One said...

LOL! Oh yea....hotel bed spreads are G-R-O-S-S....

Shelley said...

That is TOOOOOO stinking funny!!!! I am sitting all alone in my house laughing at the top of my lungs. Hope the mailman doesn't come by.

Nana said...

Ha, that about covers 2010. I can't wait to see what we learn in 2011.
It doesn't matter anyway because the end of days is in 2012.

I say swirl your toothbrush in the toilet and go roll on a hotel bed.

Pamela said...

Hilarious! Oh how I enjoyed it. And Lord Byron said, "Always laugh when you can. It's cheap medicine."

I am so trying your soup recipe!

CIEL said...

That is funny.. happy 2011! I'm glad I got a glimpse your blog this week.

Heckety said...

This is only hilarious! Thank you for sharing- I haven't read this one before. I hope your children haven't seen it, it would be real ammunition for the future!!

PAM said...

I keep my toothbrush in the living room as well!!

Hope your new year is off to a good start.

Sandy said...

So you mean that these aren't true?!