Monday, August 31, 2009
Tired, So Why Am I Up
For some reason I have always had a problem sleeping. Even as a child. I will always remember the first day of school cause I was soooo tired, I would not fall asleep until 1 or 2 in the morning. I was nervous. I think about that poor little kid a lot. I was small and scared. It would crush me if one of my children were like that. Even though Will is more shy then the others and does not make friends easily, he's a long way from what I was. I wonder what made her like that. I do not remember a lot of my childhood, selective remembrance. I remember the teen years...the smoking that started at 11, the drinking that started at 13...that girl was lost, and had no way to find her way back. I was always looking for something, and never finding it. I was always anxious, wanting desperately to be with the "in" crowd, a follower not a leader. I was raised in church. My mother insisted we go, it was the "thing" to do. So even though I was raised in the church, I never really was in the church. I did my thing, God did his. But the funny thing was, as I got older and even more away from Him then I had as a teen living at home, He never was far from me. It was like having someone looking over your shoulder. I'm sure He hated the freedom of choices I took....I did too. Smoking, drinking, anorexia, bulimia, the only thing I kept away from was drugs. My parents prided themselves at being "cool". They expected us to drink, do drugs etc. So we would get lectures about the wrongs of these vices since "You're going to do them anyway"....OK.... I expect my children NOT to do what I did. I have higher expectations for their behavior, and I will not condone falling by the wayside. My father would smoke and tell me the evils of it while smoking. My parents would tell us about the dangers of drinking too much while my father made wine in the kitchen and they would invite the friends over for "tastings"....my brother and I included, I can still remember my mothers laughter as she had too much to drink. I came home sick drunk the first time, when I was 15...go figure. It was a case of do as I say not as I do. My mother would then tell me if I was going out drinking with my friends just to let her know before hand and be home on time....I was 16yrs old. So much water under the bridge...but the pain and confusion are still there. I try my best to live my life as an example for my children...I know first hand what can happen when you don't. I NEVER want my children to grow up the way I did. It was not until we had Derek and Will that the looking over my shoulder became a roar in my ears that I needed to get back to Him....and I needed to bring my children along also. I had a complete re-awakening, a whole new understanding and relationship with God when I got back into church. And I have been involved full force ever since I went back. Because not only is my eternity at stake, but more importantly, my children's life now and later is at stake. The best thing I can do for them is to help them find a personal relationship with Jesus....so they know where to turn when I am no longer here. So they will know they are never alone. They will never have to keep searching as I did when I was young. They will already know what is important and Who they have catching their back. Because still some nights....I can not sleep.