Monday, August 31, 2009

Tired, So Why Am I Up

For some reason I have always had a problem sleeping. Even as a child. I will always remember the first day of school cause I was soooo tired, I would not fall asleep until 1 or 2 in the morning. I was nervous. I think about that poor little kid a lot. I was small and scared. It would crush me if one of my children were like that. Even though Will is more shy then the others and does not make friends easily, he's a long way from what I was. I wonder what made her like that. I do not remember a lot of my childhood, selective remembrance. I remember the teen years...the smoking that started at 11, the drinking that started at 13...that girl was lost, and had no way to find her way back. I was always looking for something, and never finding it. I was always anxious, wanting desperately to be with the "in" crowd, a follower not a leader. I was raised in church. My mother insisted we go, it was the "thing" to do. So even though I was raised in the church, I never really was in the church. I did my thing, God did his. But the funny thing was, as I got older and even more away from Him then I had as a teen living at home, He never was far from me. It was like having someone looking over your shoulder. I'm sure He hated the freedom of choices I took....I did too. Smoking, drinking, anorexia, bulimia, the only thing I kept away from was drugs. My parents prided themselves at being "cool". They expected us to drink, do drugs etc. So we would get lectures about the wrongs of these vices since "You're going to do them anyway"....OK.... I expect my children NOT to do what I did. I have higher expectations for their behavior, and I will not condone falling by the wayside. My father would smoke and tell me the evils of it while smoking. My parents would tell us about the dangers of drinking too much while my father made wine in the kitchen and they would invite the friends over for "tastings"....my brother and I included, I can still remember my mothers laughter as she had too much to drink. I came home sick drunk the first time, when I was 15...go figure. It was a case of do as I say not as I do. My mother would then tell me if I was going out drinking with my friends just to let her know before hand and be home on time....I was 16yrs old. So much water under the bridge...but the pain and confusion are still there. I try my best to live my life as an example for my children...I know first hand what can happen when you don't. I NEVER want my children to grow up the way I did. It was not until we had Derek and Will that the looking over my shoulder became a roar in my ears that I needed to get back to Him....and I needed to bring my children along also. I had a complete re-awakening, a whole new understanding and relationship with God when I got back into church. And I have been involved full force ever since I went back. Because not only is my eternity at stake, but more importantly, my children's life now and later is at stake. The best thing I can do for them is to help them find a personal relationship with Jesus....so they know where to turn when I am no longer here. So they will know they are never alone. They will never have to keep searching as I did when I was young. They will already know what is important and Who they have catching their back. Because still some nights....I can not sleep.

15 comments:

The Redhead Riter said...

"so they know where to turn when I am no longer here."

My thoughts exactly. I told Alyssa that the worst part of dying is that I won't be there to take care of her when she is an old lady. That she and I would have to rely on God to take care of that because it was beyond my control.

Glad you know where to turn now.

He & Me + 3 said...

So true...we really do need to make sure that they know how to have a relationship with the heavenly father. That is so important that they know Him & know that they can trust Him...even at their young age when they depend so much on us. They need to know that they can always depend on Him. Beautiful post. Even though your childhood may have not been positive, you are using it for positive now. God is good.

Dana said...

I'm so sorry that you had a rough childhood! Truly. But, I am so glad that you now know the only way! I will keep your family in my prayers!

Stopping by from SITS! Have a wonderful day!

Whitney said...

Oh wow! Thank you for sharing this! Obvs you are a fantastic mother who has given your children awesome experiences in their childhoods. And if I can tell that from the blog then imagine how much better it is in person!

Heart2Heart said...

Jane,

What a moving testimony that was! I am inspired by your life in that the choices you made, brought about the change you needed in your life.

In being exposed to situations like that you are able to talk to your kids from experience and how even though you did that, it never satisfied the way you thought it would. Only God did that for you.

Love and Hugs ~ Kat

Mary K Brennan said...

So incredibly personal. I agree 100% If you choose to be a parent; then parent for goodness sake. Allowing your children to make decisions when they are still children is just, well, stupid.
At least you'll be able to look back and say: "I gave it hell, and I'm proud of them."
Wonderful post.

Samantha said...

Thank you for sharing this honest testimony, God is so good !
Your children are blessed to have such a caring, Christian mother.
~ Hugs to you, have a great day !

Alicia said...

So true. We are the first and most important examples to our children when it comes to our relationship with the Lord. It is kinda like "monkey see, monkey do." I think what's most important is ensuring that the kids love the Lord on their own, and understanding what it means to have Him as their Lord and Savior.

Rachel said...

Yes, you and I DO have so much in common. I like to pray to fall asleep. Sounds funny I know, but I ask God for his peace and to take me away to comfort and rest. He always does. My pastor said once that falling asleep during prayer is nothing to be ashamed of. He says it's like climbing in a parent's lap as a child, feeling completely safe and at ease, and difting into sleep.

Edie said...

So they know where to turn even while you're here too. I love your transparency. I don't remember a lot of my childhood either.

Keep training them up in the way they should go. They will still seek Him in their own ways but you are laying a solid foundation. One day they will rise up and call you blessed.

Jules said...

Wow, you gave me goosebumps. Thank God you found Him.

The Blonde Duck said...

Popped in from the Redhead's to say hi!

Rebecca Ingram Powell said...

Jane,

What a moving post! Thank you for sharing this! I know that your testimony will be used by the Lord for His Glory!

I love how you have opened up over here!

Collette@Jesuslovesmums said...

I have just read this and what a post! I did not become a believer until I was 26 so I can empathise with you. I did the whole student life thing, underage drink, smoking etc etc. I so don't want my kids to do any of that either. Thank you for a wonderful testimony and your kids are so so fortunate God made you their mum.
Love Collette xxx

Angela said...

I totally understand the insomnia, because I have it too. Has been a rough couple of weeks here with that!

I was saved at a young age, but drifted for a while in the highschool/college/young adult years. I am so thankful though that as you say, God never leaves us, even though we try to leave Him. Thank God He never lets us go!